Sabado, Disyembre 1, 2007

blod runs at wrong vein...

“punyeta!gaano ba kahalaga ang mga yaman mo daddy? Whenever I need you, you were always away, lahat na lang ng inaasikaso mo ay yang business mo. Wala nang iba kundi punyemes na business na yan. Mabuti pa noong nabubuhay pa si mommy ay nabibigyan nya ako ng sapat na atensyon. Hindi tulad nyo! You claimed all the happiness, which should have belonged to me also. What did you do when I had sick? Nothing! Purely nothing you were such stone-hearted at all!” Bigla akong napagulantang nang maalala ko muli ang sinabi sa akin ni Nicolle bago pa man sya umalis patungo sa manila---sa bahay ng aking kapatid. Naglayas ng bahay si nicolle dahil sa sama ng loob nya sa akin bilang ama. Hindi ko (raw) nagagampanan ang tungkulin ko bilang isang ama sa kanya. Honestly its all for her, im doing all of these for her own sake but on the other hand I must admit that I’ve almost forgotten my responsibilities as a dad to her.
8 months have just passed but still I have not received any call or even text from nicolle.

I still keep my self-busied for the rest of those 8 months. Perhaps I had sort of concerns what had been happening to her. Nag-aalala pa rin ako bilang iang ama kahit alam kong nasa poder sya ng aking kapatid.

2:00pm of November 10. My birthday. Isang tawag mula sa cellphone ni nicolle ang aking natanggap. I didn’t know why she phoned me. I guessed she’ll gonna greet me anyhow. But it was not her called me up; it was ate conching using nicolle’s phone. She abruptly informed me that Nicole confined at the nearby hospital there at manila. I just couldn’t imagine how it had happened to Nicole knowing that she has a good health.

Shocked.

I urgently went to manila all the way from cebu. I just had to be quicked because malala na aw ang kalagayan ni nicolle. When I got there, agad akong tumungo sa hospital kung saan si nicolle. Nakita ko agad ang bendahe nya na nakalagay sa kanyang ulo. I did not notice that I dropped my bag in front of a doorway the moment I saw her condition.
Ang dating malusog na Nicole noon ay iang patpatin na ngayon, malalalim na rin ang kanyang mga mata na dati ratiy mapupungay, namumutla na rin ang dating maamong mukha ng aking anak. Samakatuwid--- kaawa-awa ang kanayang kalagayan. I hurriedly get into beside her. I held her hand and gave a little squeezed. I checked her forehead if she had a fever. Beside her---si ate conching na maluhaluhang tinitingnan kami. Nicolle is asleep because of the medicine she has taken.

After awhile. Lumabas ako pasumandali ng kuwarto. Upang makalanghap man lang ng sariwang hangin habang hinihintay ang paggising ni nicolle. I was in a lobby of hospital when I met her doctor. We had talked and he frankly told me that nicolle has a brain cancer. I was shocked when he uttered those dreadful words.“nicolle has a brain cancer at stage 3. And she has few months left to live. So make your best shot to make her life happy through her days left.”
“nicolle has a brain cancer at stage 3. And she has few months left to live. So make your best shot to make her life happy through her days left.”
“nicolle has a brain cancer at stage 3. And she has few months left to live. So make your best shot to make her life happy through her days left.”
Paulit-ulit iyon na gumulo sa aking isipan. Tumatak talaga ng husto ang bawat salitang kanyang binitiwan. Mga salitang patungkol sa aking anak na may taning na ang buhay nito.
Silence.

I can’t resist my emotion to burst out. Napaiyak ako sa sinapit ng aking anak. A week later, I have found out that the day we (with nicolle) were quarreling is the day that she wanted to go in a hospital to have a check-up. And she was asking me to come by with her but I refused because I’ve got a lot of works to finish.

Months ago.

We had to run nicolle in a nearby hospital dahil nahihilo daw sya at nahihirapang huminga. “diyos ko. Ito na.” I murmured. She was holding my hand while we were riding in a car para isugod sya sa ospital. “dad, salamat sa damay mo na kahit ngayon ko lang naramdaman ay sapat nang kabayaran sa mga pagkukulang mo sa akin. Ni kahit minsan noong bata ako ay hindi mo ako niyakap at pinahalagahan dahil nalaman mong anak ako ni mommy sa ibang lalaki. You know naman that I love you so much, ikaw na kasi ang nakagisnang ama ko,dad” Nakonsensya ako sa mga pinaggagawa ko sa aking anak, but pinilit kong ngumiti kahit mapait dahil sa kalagayan nyang mahirap huminga ay pinipilit pa rin nya magsalita.

She smiled then.

The car was running so fast that it didn’t stop when it had to. Nicolle was in the critical moment that she hardly breathes. And which she seems drowning. Perhaps she spoke some words that I won’t gonna forget for the rest of my life. I was the only one who heard those inevitable words of her. She said: “daddy, remember when I was 15 yrs old? You kissed me –the very first time you’d kissed me. That moment. That very moment is the time I fell in-love with you. I never had a boyfriend, and you know that. I love you more than of being a father but also a man…my dream man. Yes daddy, mahal kita hindi lang bilang isang ama kundi isang espesyal na lalaki sa puso ko. That’s why I always get jealous against your business. Kasi you don’t have any time with me to talk. Don’t get me wrong dad. I just love you, and I mean it. Thanks for being now here at my side”

She stopped breathing.Ear-breaking silence occurred. Nicolle has gone. And a sweep of wind strokes my face. Pinahinto ko na ang sasakayan. And I just cried…

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